The Diary of Robbie Rotten
by The Anonymous Mouse
Summary: Or What Not To Wear and Other Advice - Ever wondered how the evil villain feels? Robbie's guide to villany, written to all of those aspiring young or old villains out there. A set of random short stories strung together into Robbie's diary.
1. Introduction

_Another Robbie based story, it's a set of random rambles from the great villain's point of view. Enjoy._

_This won't be updated regularly, just when I feel like it, sorry. Proper story coming soon._

_Oh and LazyTown definitely belongs to Magnùs Scheving._

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The Diary of Robbie Rotten.

Or What Not To Wear, and Other Advice.

Written by Super-villain Robbie R. Rotten.

With foreword by the author.

Dear Reader,

As you are reading this, I presume that you are looking to improve your villainous skills. For those who are new to the world of being a villain I will provide a few pointers for starting out:

1. Get an established evil lair – essential for conducting evil experiments, evil plans, making evil devices all in all, an evil place.

2. Get a villainous suit for day use – and if possible apply the colour scheme to everything you own, including your lair. Then you can complain at anyone who doesn't know what your favourite colour is. Bear in mind that the suit will not be worn all of the time as this line of work often involves disguises (see more on page 2).

3. Obtain a decent arch-enemy – they have to be willing to have countless run-ins with you, yet still come back for more. They should also be against punishing wrongdoers and allow you to slink away miserably every time you fail, without feeling the need for justice.

4. If possible have a physical defect – or if you cant, being excessively tall/shot/fat/thin will help as it will make you more memorable and give people something to laugh about.

5. Have a grudge against pretty much everyone - if they're not with you they're against you.

6. Similarly, judge everyone at face value and do not get to know their nicer side – you could end up making friends with the so-called hero.

7. And, last but most of all…

NEVER GIVE UP.

I leave you now with a list of several of my failed ideas – which will hopefully enlighten you as to mistakes that should not be made.

Good luck and remember: the villain always wins (maybe!).

Robbie R. Rotten


	2. Disguise Time!

Disguises

The most essential key to being a successful villain is disguise. After all, a villain doesn't normally gain that much trust, however a random stranger seems to immediately warrant trust (don't ask me why!). Therefore disguises act as a key to peoples' trust. And trust is important.

A range of disguises is a useful tool for every occasion and, if you are an active villain (not me then) a suitcase or portable wardrobe will be useful to carry disguises anywhere.

A villain should have disguises for all occasions; after all you might need a disguise for acting as a Scout Master, a superhero, a space alien or a snow monster. Basically, be prepared; the kids could play some odd game of imagination that you have no disguises for! Imagine that – they would keep playing because you can't stop them!

And you can never have too many disguises. Act like a fashion-conscious teenager and make sure you never get seen in the same thing twice. After all, most disguises will not act as a smokescreen forever, and once everyone has worked out it is you (and shouted the necessary Robbie Rotten, or whatever your name is) that disguise becomes useless as even the stupidest of kids will immediately associate it with you.

So:

Have disguises,

Have lots of disguises, and

Never re-use disguises.

Remember – disguises trust undetected villainous activity success.

Here are some of my failed attempts at disguises, so that you can learn from my mistakes...


	3. Sunny Santa

Santa in Summer.

So you want to be evil at the festive time of year,

Want to ruin the holiday and the Christmas cheer.

Why not steal some presents? Why not break some lights?

All in order to give some dumb kids a fright.

Why not become the joy giver himself?

What better to be Santa with an elf (not Sportakook)

But...

Though this may work around the festive season,

At other times of year there is no reason

To blunder round in a jolly red suit,

White beard, fat belly and polished black boots.

Flings rhyming dictionary away.

Do NOT try this, it will NOT work.

If you attempt to dress up as Santa in summer it will have one of two effects (along with making you look stupid).

1. No one will believe you; you will look like a fool and return to your evil lair, trying to retain some credibility (but failing).

2. The kids will believe you are Santa and that it is Christmas, despite the summer sun (and the fact that Christmas was only a couple of months back).

3. Realise that you are not Santa, and then conclude that Santa is not real. They will then probably hate you for ruining their happiness at Christmas time and the rest of their lives. (Now this is too cruel!)

4. Believe that you are Santa, and that you are lost, then they may attempt to send you back home.

And guess what, the kids in my town are not nice and choose choices 1 - 3, to leave me with some pride and dignity. No, instead the warm-hearted, overly helpful, annoying kids choose option 4.

So when I woke up after a brief nap (only around 4 hours) I found myself strapped to a sleigh, which was tied to a rocket, which looked like it would never leave the ground.

They intended to send me to the North Pole, with a rocket!

Naturally I reacted responsibly and with extreme sophistication and screamed, "Let me go!" as loud as I could, to anyone who would listen. The stupid kids ignored me and proceeded to attempt to zoom me off to the top of the world. As the poorly built rocket started with an almighty bang, I felt like I had been flung out of a cannon.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" Could anything worse happen? (Never say this villains! As you will see by the next paragraph, fate usually can make things much MUCH worse.)

Now you'll be trying to guess what happens next, can you, can you, bet you can't. Well you should just be patient and wait and see! Now, where was I? Oh yeah, guess what? (Please don't) I saw, just entering my line of vision, A WALL! The stupid kids had sent me careering towards several tons of bricks and concrete! Thanks kids! Needless to say, I increased my panicking and screaming, as my beard was whipped off by the wind. I was destined to end my life as an un-sporty pancake, flattened on a luminous yellow wall. A terrible thought flashed through my mind - I would never stop that Sporta-nerd and LazyTown would forever be sporty! No one would remember that lazy villain! I would become nothing, a pointless waste of a life!

"Heeeellllllllp!"

Of course that stupid Sporta-freak has to save me by cutting the rope between my sled and the rocket, stopping the sled, pushing over the wall so that the rocket could fly over, however he did fail to stop the rocket, which smashed into a nearby tree. Anyway, you don't want to hear any more about that elf. You want to hear about me – the hero! (yeah, whatever!)

So, I leave you with this. Don't be a fool, Christmas is in winter for a reason. In summer, not only will you look idiotic, but also you will roast like a Christmas turkey.

Until soon,

Robbie the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

_A.N. Happy Birthday to me today - the first present I got? A LazyTown height chart + LazyTown stickers. Followed by the sticker album and more stickers and a LT card and badge! It's worrying when people know me so well._


	4. The Blue Kangaroo

Sportakook!

Looking for a way to disguise yourself?

Why not become Sportacus, the sports elf?

Everyone will listen; all will obey.

They'll all rush to do whatever you say.

There are two sides to every coin, though you have power,

You will regret every second, minute and hour.

Seriously, you will! Trust me!

You will be on your feet running around non-stop.

Never ever EVER dress up as that stupid flippety-flip blue DO-GOODER!

For those of you who may thing that I am ranting about nothing, I will now present a list of reasons as to why I officially hate Sportanerd...

1. He likes sports. Enough said.

2. SportsCandy! What a stupid name for disgusting junk.

3. He's friendly and everyone loves him. No one loves me.

4. Imagine being friends with him; you'd soon strangle him for being too nice.

5. He entered LazyTown on the same day as the pink cheerleader (who I also dislike)!

6. He wears blue. I like purple. I hate him.

7. He's... He's got a moustache - and people listen to him because of it.

8. Same with the finger.

9. And the pose.

10. No! No! Number 10, that's his number - the worst number ever!

11. He's perfect. Too perfect.

12. He likes me.

13. He's fun to tease (see future chapter on annoying names) - though boring when he doesn't react.

Good I can stop there; thirteen's a nice round number. Understand now villains, I detest this man (unless he's just saved me, in which case I may show a tiny bit of gratitude before storming off).

Anyway, never try and dress as Sportadoofus (or your town's hero) because you will be expected to act like him and do all that is listed above, in order to stay in character.

I have only attempted this on one occasion, in which...

- Endless numbers of plastic rings were flung at my head - giving me a major headache.

- I had to endure Sportacus singing - the worst thing ever! He couldn't even hum a recognisable tune.

- I had to attempt to imitate all of Sportacus' stupid moves, without injuring myself.

- I also tried to attempt his stupid accent (and failed).

- I had to run a race! This was the only time I ever wanted to win a race.

- I put my back out. Then pulled a muscle in my finger.

- I had my moustache pulled off by the pink cheerleader (ouch!).

- And I had to endure the annoying Bing Bang song that is sung daily in LazyTown.

In a way, I'm glad that I didn't become Sportaspud; otherwise I would be stuck without Sportaflop to control and silence the kids for me. I would have had to take his place and act all friendly and helpful - FOREVER!

So beware – it isn't that great to be the hero, especially when you're a villain.

Until soon,

Rottenicus


	5. Sell! Sell! Sell!

The Salesman.

What would you like to buy sir? I have a lot to sell,

A car; a tree; a hammer; a new suit; a bell.

New - A Sportacus costume - Now in blue or brown,

Or why not get a ticket out of LazyTown?

How about some boots to make your feet go crazy?

How about a scheme to make the kids more lazy?

Trust. As I, Robbie Rotten, have previously mentioned: trust is a key part of villainous education. As a villain you will not be trustworthy, but disguises ensure that you seem to be a respectable member of the public.

Unless...

Unless you dress as a distrusted person - a salesman.

Trust me (even though I'm a villain), a salesman is almost less trusted than a villain; at least we don't try to sell things that people don't want.

Even Sportadoofus; who would offer a cup of tea to a burglar in stripy clothes, carrying a bag marked SWAG, trying to subtly exit his airship; didn't trust me as a salesman and tried to throw me off with some excuse about being in a hurry. Of course, with my amazing powers of persuasion (and purple, smelly goo) I managed to get Sporta-noodle to take the trick shoes, however the disguise didn't help.

There was another problem with the disguise: it looked idiotic: a blue-grey suit, with a mustard yellow shirt underneath (the colours clash amazingly well) along with a blue and yellow tie to match; followed with a straw hat, thick black glasses, mustard-yellow socks, brown shoes and, to top it off, a clown's flower – the kind that squirts water. This not only looks stupid, it looks like I'm dressed by a colour-blind mother! It didn't aid my reputation, or my inability to sell; it just made me look creepy (as if I'm not creepy enough).

The disguise isn't enough; to become a salesman you need an almost unending supply of gadgets for every occasion and you need to be willing to travel (clue in the name - **travelling** salesman), which involves a lot of effort. In fact given that I am a lazy villain, I don't know why I bother. Oh yeah – Sportadoofus!

All in all I failed to sell anything (and didn't even get paid for cleaning Sporta-spins boots – though it was my fault that they were dirty), and I had a thoroughly bad day. I would actually prefer to be dressed as Sportaflip FOREVER than be stuck as the fashion-unconscious, colour blind salesman.

Until later villains,

Rob U. Blind


	6. Modern Technology

"_It's so hard to be a villain these days, with all that modern technology!"_

What's the point of hiring a technician? To get something fixed, of course.

What's the point of disguising yourself as a technician? To break something, of course.

However, it's not as easy as all that.

Firstly the look – easy to achieve, just find the standard issue boiler suit plus company logo (just make up some company name, like Computer Gadgets R Us, but make it sound believable!)

Then the random gadgets and equipment – this should be equally split between useless junk that looks good but doesn't do anything (should be very easy to find, or if you are amazingly skilled like me, very easy to make) then you should also have complicated gadgets that actually work so that you can do your job (harder to find, you have to be AMAZINGLY talented like me to make something as complex as this, something that will do a specific job, will not break (I haven't quite sorted this point), and most of all, something that you can ramble about and sound as educated and computer obsessed as Poodles in my town. As long as you use long words and sound like you know what you are talking about people will listen or switch off and pretend to listen).

After this preparation all you now need to do is find a method of letting people contact you, such as a business card, a phone number or you can just turn up uninvited and conveniently pop up the moment someone says "But where can we find a technician?" – Timing is always key. If you pop up at the exact moment that your cue is uttered, they will not refuse you – too much of a coincidence.

All in all a great disguise you may say, but beware, there is a down side to all this: You actually have to know what you're doing!

Strange it may sound, as your aim is to ruin as much as possible, but it is important. If you plunge straight into a box of electrics with the sole intent of doing as much damage as possible, it is very likely that you will retire with at least a minor electric shock, if you are not unfortunate enough to electrocute yourself and end up smoking like an overcooked barbecue. If you are masquerading as a plumber and dive straight in to the deep end, you are likely to end up either wet or very wet, as you will not have the slightest clue of what to do. Even fixing a bulb requires brains, especially if you attempt it after having been electrocuted and soaked.

These failures will then result it revealing yourself as the trickster you are, as even the most incompetent technicians (should) know how to change a bulb. Even if you are not discovered, you risk damages to your health and the town (sure you wanted to destroy the town, but victory isn't so great when the drains above your house have flooded; your ceiling is leaking and you have no electricity – I'd actually prefer Sporta-jerk and Pinky to living without my TV, maybe not.) which shows the sign of a poor villain, who has failed to disappear without a trace, given that half of the town is flooded.

All in all the most important thing to invest in is a book on how to become a mechanic, similar to this "How to Become an Evil Villain" book, or even better download it from the internet (illegally – it improves your villainous footprint.), but only if you can use a computer without harming yourself.

Until next time,

_"Click, click as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm computerised man."_

_**A.N. Sorry about the huge gap in updating, I have all the notes but I've lost the enthusiasm with Robbie's Diary, I'll upload more soon. Both quotes are from Robbie in Pixelspix.**_


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